I sat alone in my parked car wondering to myself where on earth could the other guys be? It was a Wednesday night and I was getting nervous. The entire car park was full, yet i recognized none of the other cars through the rain. What if all the owners of all these cars were at the squash courts too? Would i then have to sheepishly walk among strange stares only to discover there were no free courts? Unthinkable! Would be better to just turn around now and head for home .

It has been 2 years since i last played squash. A complete beginner, with zero pro coaching, i was a hopeless player even back then when we'd play weekly games. Low stamina, lousy ball control, utterly slow reactions, and terrible hand eye coordination. Serious matches between friends always excluded me. If anything, i thought i'd be even worse now that 2 years had gone by. All these cars. If people saw my awful playing, i'd be ashamed .

As i nervously waited and prayed my friends would hurry up, suddenly something came over me. I decided this is ridiculous . What if because of my nervousness, i caused us to have no court to use. I came to play and play i will. Totally not sensible to waste my time sitting in my car while i have my own racket, ball, and the courts are just a few meters away. Mustering whatever bravado i had, i ran out through the rain and quietly made my way to the squash courts before i changed my mind.

Now the squash courts at USM are at the lower half of the split level sports complex. There's a little door into each court and high above each door is what looks like a balcony but is actually an opening along the common walkway for the upper level where the badminton courts are. At any time, anyone can just lean over to watch the squash game.

I was surprised to discover nobody using any of the squash courts . Happily i made my way into the first court when i then realized to my dismay there was very loud chatter and laughter coming from above me. Whatever false bravado i had before drained out of me. I reckoned if i stuck to the wall directly under the balcony, nobody would see me . So i hid there, bouncing my ball hoping nobody would notice me.

It wasn't long before i got impatient with myself. What is the point of getting out of the car if i'm just going to hide and not play. Just earlier that day my colleagues and i were discussing one of the strongest points abt it as a racket game that can be played alone. My sleep-deprived mind took over, brushing aside my negative fears, and pushing forward impatience. If people want to laugh at me, let them be, if they are good ppl they would teach me, and if they don't then their opinion doesn't matter. Casting my demons aside, i walked out to the middle of the court, and it was only then that i could notice the loud chatter and laughter came from inside the badminton courts on the upper level but partitioned from the walkway! Nobody would be watching me! I wasted my time being worried abt what ppl would think, and all the time, there was nobody! Moment of revelation right there and then. There is nothing to fear but fear itself .

I went on to play for a good half hour before my friends joined me. Now that i knew i'm clearly one who lets my negative mind hold me back, i decided to throw fear aside and break down any preconceived notions i had about myself. I was bouncing around the court that night. True, i still am a poor squash player but thanks to my recent 1 month on organic supplements and my new firm belief that i can break through my negative thoughts, i played like i had never played before. Stamina, i had it (thank you supplements!organic works!). Faster reaction, better hand eye coordination (played well even without my glasses), i had a great 2 hours. To top it off, a new friend even gave us some lessons based on what he'd learnt from his professional coach .

This story is just yet another memory for me to commit to my blog so that i the slow-learner (many people learn this lesson much earlier) can look back at it and remember to not unlearn this lesson. Don't let fear hold you back. 26 years, 3 months, and counting. I'm growing up .

I hate troublemakers.

Don't blame me when you're in the wrong.
Don't blame me for your foolish decisions.
Don't blame me for your lack of initiative.
Don't blame me for doing my job.
Don't blame me because you don't like your job.
Don't blame me because you think you deserve better.
Don't blame me when you are rude to the managers.
Don't blame me when you interpret feedback as criticism.
Don't blame me for your attitude problem.

Don't waste my time with your tantrums.
Don't waste my time having to speak with managers.
Don't waste my time with meetings you won't attend.
Don't waste my time by not cooperating.
Don't waste my time by not daring to talk to me face to face.
Don't waste my time by being a diva.

Tell me what did i supposedly do wrong to you.
Tell me why you think you deserve better treatment.
Tell me why you imagined you were worthy of my notice, worm!
Tell me why you think i shouldn't think you're so pathetic for what you've done.
Tell me why you think you can get away with telling stories.
Tell me why i shouldn't laugh while you tell foolish lies about me.
Tell me why you picked me to blame your behavior on.
Tell me why you're trying to stain my name.
Tell me why you are causing havoc.
Tell me why you're so immature.

~
In my opinion..... from my perspective.....

There's a troublemaker at work whose over-inflated opinion of herself is getting out of hand.
Suddenly, she's saying i (who before this couldn't really care less if she dropped dead) am purposely out to get her and she's gone out of her way to report it. Then, when the managers are trying to identify the root cause, she is sulking and throwing an actual tantrum via e-mail about it at them. Believe it or not, she is 26 years old.

Sigh. Pls let this be solved ASAP so i can get back to doing my work.

For many years now, i've been studiously squirrelling my money away. Why bother buying new stuff when the old stuff still works or is wearable, no? Who cares if stuff seems mismatched, there's no need to change. It's a lot more fun to see money grow.

Then, came the era of self-indulgence. Suddenly, shopping just makes sense! What other activity can achieve so many things all at one go? I can do my little bit to help the Malaysian economy move, i get to show myself lots more love, fill up spare time, catch up with friends, look good, feel good, feel in control over something eventhough the month end bills don't feel controllable at times, and i get to relieve whatever pent up stress i feel for work which i am beginning to really despair over. My job sucks eggs big time *wail*. Must shop more.

My shopping mall adventures usually occur only once a month. My usual partner in crime, dubbed Glads to sort of maintain her privacy, has a serious case of shopaholism and is one of the best ppl to shop with coz we have similar budget-taste in clothes/accessories. Sure, we don't mind splurging once in a while to get a really really to die for expensive items like our levi's, but usually we adore spending hours and hours trawling through cheap shops at low-end malls looking for hidden gold. The difference between me and Glads is that she tends to shop very often, whereas i do my once a month thing. My usual trauma to my pocket is RM300-RM500, but i'll be dragging home at least 12 items for that price. Wish wish wish wish wish i had a camera with me to take pics of my buys every time. Dresses, shoes, sandals, belts, earrings, bags, ... the list is endless! 

This month my shopping with Glads dan my lovelies kawan-kawan totalled to only RM40 for 3 pairs of shoes/sandals. Isn't that cheap? I'm secretly completely relieved that i could control my shopping this time coz i'd already blown RM250 on books this month. I blame it on the book fair held in the building right next door to my office building for 2 weeks. 14 books is a good steal though so i'm happy .

There are problems that come with retail therapy. For one, now the numbers on my bank acct balance aren't moving as fast as they used to. To many ppl, rm500 a mth is nth, but to me it is a lot. Remember i used to spend near nth for years on shopping. Two, although my dressing has improved a wee bit, i'm getting more eager to shop more agressively in order to get it better faster, so this is an escalating in addiction sort of hobby. Three, i am running out of space! I started my shopping spree in April, which is also the month when i had massive spring cleaning in my bedroom. Now it's only October and again i need to filter through all my books and clothes so i can make space for new ones. Nooo... i hate throwing out stuff...it takes so much time and effort to do so and i can never really throw out my stuff... but i have to do something soon because my room is in a total mess right now with stuff stacked up everywhere. Aiya so many problems, c'est terrible!

hmmm... so stressful... now i feel like shopping again....